Why are handjobs necessary in class?
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
