just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
