I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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