R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
