If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
