Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
