I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
