nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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