I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
