He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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