I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
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