What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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