just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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