Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
