Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
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