I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
