he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Randomize
