He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
