I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Randomize
