pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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