We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
