Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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