If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
