Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Randomize
