dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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