i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
