I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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