The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
