I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
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