Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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