New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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