the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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