You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
