4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
