dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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