The beer is more important than you right now.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
