She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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