I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
