his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
