My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
nutella sex= disaster
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
