Ambien. No doubt about it.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
