I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
