I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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