any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
