someone threw a dead crab at me
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
