i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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