I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
