Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
