i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Randomize
