I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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