Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
