Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
