Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
